May 30, 2018

So I’ve been trying to get my life together since I came back from Arizona last week. I haven’t been to the gym since before I left for my trip, I've been eating sooooo bad and my sleep is all over the place. With that being said, I was pretty happy when I got to the doctor this week and saw that I didn’t gain any weight over the past few weeks. I was actually super surprised.


So I had my 10 month post surgery check up (that’s not what its called but that’s what I’m calling it) with my surgeon. He did the norm, looked in my mouth with my obturator, then had me take it out. When I took it out there was SOO much mucus. He poked around in there which he's never done before. I did a good job with that, like no gagging and I didn’t bite him. He had asked me if there was anything abnormal going on with me and I told him about my difficulty breathing that I've been having for the past 3 weeks. He asked if there was mucus and if there was blood. Yes to the mucus (obviously) no to the blood. He asked me if I told my primary care doctor and I just looked at him with my eyes big and he was like “I’m it huh” I said yeah. He said “I’m a head and neck doctor not a head to butt doctor”. I almost fell out when he said that, but I get it. I need to be a grownup and get on getting a PCP, so I will… in July.


Anyways, because I told him I have been having difficulties breathing he had me do a chest x ray right then and there. He said that if he's concerned hell call me, if he's not concerned he won't call me. Sooooo, let's pray he doesn’t call me. I don’t know if I said this before, but the type of cancer I had can come back on your lung, so that is why me having a hard time breathing is kind of a red flag, because if something has popped up we want to catch it sooner than later.


This visit was actually kind of emotional for me. I don't know why, but I just felt like crying after he told me I had to get the x ray. I think because the last time I had to get some sort of test done, it was like two weeks after I found out that I had the tumor (which the one year will be one year now in a couple days). Also, I was walking past where my hospital room was and I remembered how I couldn't walk without the IV and I sounded like I was under water and my head was always hurting, and I don't know, it was just emotional. Anyways, yeah, let’s hope I don’t receive a call from him or his people.  


This is going to be a shorter post than most of my others. I just want to, I guess, remind you, to own who you are. I thought of this topic because I have a friend who is so intrigued by my hole and he always wants to see it and hear me talk without it and I used to be uncomfortable doing that. Now i've spoken to him plenty of times without it so it doesn’t bother me as much, but there are a handful of people who I would speak to without it and that should really change. I was talking to my other friend about how I have that support from him, and I like that a lot,and how it makes me feel good. He responded “that’s who you are… own it!”.

He's right, I should own it. Now I will say, it is taking me some time to get more comfortable, but I always keep that in the back of my head, that this is me and if nobody else accepts it, I should accept it.


Also, I feel like you should do things because it's what you want to do. Not because its a trend, or what your family or friends are doing. Oh, here's another one, doing something or not doing something because you think it's expected of you from your friends and family. It's cool to take advice and suggestions, just remember the decisions you make will affect you more than anything. I experienced this when I had first gotten diagnosed. As soon as I made it public, people were telling me about holistic treatment and shoving all of this research and data in my face, telling me not to do radiation therapy blah blah. I highly considered all that people were telling/showing me, and I appreciated them going out of their way to do so, but at the end of the day I feel like I made the best decision for me there's no looking back from it.  


So yeah I just wanted to remind you to be who you are, and love yourself wholeheartedly! Don’t let people (or society) make you feel insecure about how you look, your body type, what you wear, the decisions you have made in your life, or just the person you are in general. OWN IT! BE YOU BOO BOO!. You know what's most important about being yourself? 

That nobody can be a better you than you<3


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